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Well, heading North was my intent at least. To be entirely honest, I left Heathrow without any clue whatsoever as to where I was going. Without GPS I was left lost and alone in a foreign land where almost nobody spoke English. Okay, they all spoke English, but they refer to soccer as football over there so things could go haywire in an instead if I didn’t watch out.
As I departed the airport I fell back on my oft used technique to get myself out of any jam – follow the crowd. It works maybe 74% of the time. Wherever the most amount of cars seem to be heading – I will head there too. At the very least you should end up somewhere safe (and maybe fun). Amazingly enough the strategy worked as I got out of Heathrow and ended up heading North on the Msomething…….M1? I think that was it….
Regardless I was on my way!
Now, as I mentioned in my earlier post, that was just the beginning of my disastrous trip over to the UK. I actually reached Huntingdon fairly easily, but from there I spent about 3 hours driving around in circles trying to find the Marriott. And Huntingdon is not that big.
So, you may be wondering, “Ronniedigital, what was your first impression of Huntingdon?”
It was something like, “holy Mary-Mother-of-God, these roads, what’s wrong with these roads? They’re clearly one way, but cars are going both ways……Why are cars parked in so many different directions? Why are they parked in the street on a road that is not wide enough for two cars as it is? Why is this car so effing big? Oh, how cute, a fox. Is it British? I bet it is. Shit this road is too small. I need a smaller car!!! WWJD!”
After three hours of this and two stops at a Tesco, multiple stops to ask for directions, and having passed some locations up to 48 times I finally made it to the Marriott (by accident). I also ran a red light at one point, and entered almost every roundabout in the wrong lane.
Yeah, that sums it up. A disaster.
But wait, there’s more. After my extremely exhausting trip I went to check into the Marriott and just as I arrive the power goes off. This delays the check-in process slightly, but soon enough I was up and sleeping in my room.
Or so it seemed. 😦
About an hour into my stay someone entered my room using THEIR key car and quickly snuck out after realizing the room was occupied. Although this was a bit unsettling, I was too tired to bother with details, and went back to trying to nap. After about another hour a nice man in a suit also entered and came in far enough to say hello and apologize for interrupting my nap. I then went downstairs and asked the front desk to cease and desist from sending strangers into my room. Apparently due to the power outage they couldn’t log the key card in, or something like that, and decided the best tactic was to have everyone just check in to my room.
Just to continue on with my Christmas theme, I am now going to unveil next years wrapping paper! As a savvy shopper, I know that the best deals on wrapping paper are always the day after Christmas. I think everyone probably knows that, but whatever.
I know I may have said earlier that blue wrapping paper is the way to go, but you to adapt if all the blue patterns suck – and adapt I did. So this is what I am going with instead – feel free to copy me and you can have a classy Christmas next year too!
As far as my actual Christmas, it went pretty well. And by pretty well I mean that I managed to stay sober in spite of the endless amount of peer pressure I faced from my family to drink myself into oblivion. My family enjoys two things – offering me drinks, and trying to get me to eat squash.
The drinking I understand – I am fantastic sober, so it only stands to reason that I would be even more fantastic drunk, and they want to witness it. The more I put it off – the more they want to see it. Well done, me.
In addition, it’s become some sort of odd family ritual, in a family without many customs, for the family each and every Christmas to taunt me endlessly about the fact that I hate squash. This always ends with someone putting squash on my plate and everyone cheering me on as I shovel the world’s tiniest spoonful of any substance ever into my mouth.
And even with it being that tiny I still recoil in terror right before it hits because I know it’s going to be the most god-awful taste that’s ever been invented……I say invented because I am pretty certain if there is a god he would not have come up with that him or herself.
F**k you squash…..f**k you.
(Originally posted October 2010)
I stopped at the Mobil gas station last night and as I pulled up I saw a PT Cruiser at the pump with the hose still attached to the gas tank of the car (or whatever a PT Cruiser is supposed to be – is it a car or minivan?).
Anyway, as I am pulling up I see a woman get into the car and she begins to pull forward with the pump still attached. At this point I begin thinking that I could either; A) Try to warn her by honking, or, B) Enjoy the once in a lifetime experience of watching someone rip the gas pump from the gas dispensing unit.
Just like any other sane human being would do I chose option B.
I have to admit I was expecting a lot more excitement than what actually followed. I figured the car would pull away, the hose would detach from gas dispensing unit (or whatever it’s called) and gas would start spraying everywhere. At this point I figured some unsuspecting low-life would almost assuredly wander over with a cigarette and the whole town would go up in flames. In my mind it would look something like the end of ‘Fight Club’ – I even started hearing the Pixies in my head.
In actuality nothing happens. The car drives away, a loud pop follows, and the car goes a few feet before stopping. No gas spraying out, no fire – nothing!!!! They didn’t even perform a citizen’s arrest on the lady driving the car, the attendant just let her leave.
After resting my head on the steering wheel for several minutes cursing the oil & gas industry for their stupid safety precautions I got out and proceeded to enter the store. Now, I didn’t witness what happened next, but the attendant apparently tried to reattach the hose and when he did the gas finally sprayed out.
I know this because when the hapless attendant entered the store I immediately smelled gas and it just so happened that he was drenched in the stuff. Since I am very polite, I inquired if he was aware that he smelled like gas, and not surprisingly he did. I then asked him to leave the store since the smell was bothering me.
Every once in awhile I venture onto sites other than Human See, Human Do, and today I found myself on MSN.com. Not because I wanted to mind you, but because I use Internet Explorer to write my blog and every single time I log on, IE asks me if I’m interested in switching my home page to MSN. After awhile I started to think perhaps I was missing out on something big, so I switched. It turns out I’m not missing much, but I did stumble across this article and since it comes with diagrams I figured I would give it a read.
Men’s Health claims that you can learn about yourself by looking at what position you sleep in. Men’s Health also once claimed I could figure out if my girlfriend was cheating on me by how she sits on the couch so I am entering this with a bit of skepticism.
Now, before I find out what it means to sleep in the position I do, I figured I would go through my two or three top positions to avoid the appearance that I might be picking the one that makes me look the best.
1. Currently I tend to go angled on my stomach with my one arm below the pillows and one arm hanging off the bed. I always have one leg outside the comforter. (TMI?)
2. A long, long time ago I used to go full cocoon, flat on my back with the blanket wrapped under my head. AKA, “the oven.”
I used to go “Soldier Style” although they have no mention about tucking the blanket up under your head:
Personality: Soldier sleepers are generally quiet and reserved. They don’t like to make a big deal out of things, and they set very high standards for themselves and others.
Health Benefit: Research shows that sleeping on your back may lead to snoring, difficulty breathing, and an overall bad night’s sleep. Is your snoring keeping someone awake at night? Try flipping over — you’ll both wake up more refreshed.
Hmmmmmm, since I have abandoned this style I’m going to just assume I was once a quiet, reserved, snoring monster that has turned to bigger and better things.
They don’t really list my current style, but it’s sort of a combination of the “Yearner” and the “Freefall.”
Personality: Yearners are open to new things, but also suspicious and cynical. They take a long time to make decisions – weighing pros and cons repeatedly – but once they make a choice, they almost never change their mind or have regrets.
Health Benefit: Resting on your side can help alleviate some problems associated with acid reflux disease and sleep apnea. But if such symptoms are a common occurrence, you may need to see a specialist.
Personality: Freefallers are often extroverted and brash people. They appear nervy, but are truly thin-skinned people who take criticism personally.
Health Benefit: Freefall — or any position in which you’re lying face down — is good for digestion.
I’m not sure how accurate any of this is, notably neither of these two descriptions have the word “awesome” listed at all, so I’m relatively certain this is not an exact science. Just so to give some credit to Men’s Health I have to admit that I have always considered myself pretty good at digestion, so at least part of this is accurate.
Since I have been away for a bit I figured I would throw out a quick post with a video….I know you all get ance when I disappear for any amount of time, so this update will serve as reassurance that I am fine, and as a chance to watch a fun video! I’ll give some details on my recent semi-vacation shortly….
For anyone unfamiliar with the title Friday Night Videos , it was a way for poor people like myself, that lived way, way, way out in the woods where cable couldn’t reach, to watch music videos for 90 minutes each week. Although, to be honest I think for a brief period of time they also used to have a show after school where they showed mostly Michael Jackson and Cyndi Lauper videos. However, I think I was too involved in He-Man cartoons to waste much time after time on those shows. The other big weekend entertainment for people like myself was George Michael’s Sports Machine on Saturday or Sunday night. The Sports Machine was like Sportscenter if instead of being aired 17 times a day on its own network, you only had one hour, once a week, to cover every single sporting event that occurred during the preceding seven days.
According to the Wikipedia page for each show they lasted into the 2000’s, with GMSM lasting until 2007. I would have guessed both went off the air long before that…strange.
And here is your video, enjoy!!
Kidding, that may be the most interesting commercial you’re ever going to see – fantastic acting by whomever that woman is – but it’s not our Friday Night Video – this is (Explicit Lyrics):